Looking at the Muffin in the Mouth

…if you are reading these words. — My wife said, “The book I’m reading reminded me of you because the main character is an unsuccessful writer.” “Ouch,” I said as I looked down and reconsidered all my life’s decisions. She recovered well, “oh, stop that. I mean, you know how you always say writers love to write…

Announcement about the future of Counter Arts — Whenever I think of Will Hull, I think of his photo-inspired poem ‘Commercial interference.’ Then I think about the picture of the two trouser-less old men walking on Bourbon Street in the middle of Mardi Grass (it was Halloween, but close enough, boss). I love how he zigs and zags…

YOU HAVE TO! — Life’s most valuable lessons spring from thought experiments involving the choice between two equally-challenging options. Example: 20 minutes from now, you have to shove an entire bird up your ass. YOU HAVE TO! Bird size doesn’t matter. That depends on your ass-shoving proficiency level. Head or talons first? — THAT’S…

On Botero, Escobar and Fat-Shaming — “Did you hear the one about the hippopotamuses in Colombia?” I love people’s random comments when something happens in Colombia. Because I’m Colombian, they immediately want to share the news with me or see if I have some insider track on what happened. At first, I thought this was a…

Interstate 5, an obnoxious Big Top and a bowl of gooey brown rice — Grace was born and raised in Andalusia, Spain, but had lived in San Diego most of her adult life with her husband. Her real name was Graziela, but people struggled to say her name; Grace seemed to work for everyone. “Grace, thank you for coming to this meeting today,” Steve…

A Colombian New Year’s Tradition — ‘El año viejo” was a tradition I grew up with in Colombia. A human-size rag doll built out of pantyhoses and sawdust. It was also stuffed with little TNT sticks, and at midnight on New Year’s, my dad would drench it with rum and light it up. The last time…

Bill Clinton? More like Bill Clits-On — Scandals have a way of capturing our attention, and scandals are a dime a dozen in politics. Opportunities for political power-hungry money-grabbing politicians to find a way to smear everyone who is not them to get ahead. But no scandal is more famous than Watergate. Nixon and his henchmen’s blatant…

Breast is not best; not anymore! — Feeling betrayed by your body has to be one of the worst feelings a human being can feel. Our minds and souls tell our bodies to fight to be healthy, but our bodies have different plans for our future that don’t consider our thoughts or desires. I have felt this…

Is it a cock? — Who the hell watches game shows? Really, game show watcher, why watch somebody else play? Isn’t life dull enough? Why put yourself through hours of boredom? Why would anyone watch games over playing games? Go play Solitaire (and I don’t mean go play with yourself), I mean play Solitaire —…