The world doesn’t need your honesty.

Photo by Lukas Denier on Unsplash

“I remember vividly when he told me ‘fuck you’ to my face and, just like that, the enlightenment of his rhetoric clear my foggy views and disjointed beliefs. I saw everything he meant and I think that was the exact moment I reached nirvana, a tantric orgasm, and made it to the Christian heaven,” said no one ever.

It is probably more like, “I remember vividly when he told me ‘fuck you’ to my face, so I killed him.”

I’m sure you are nodding your head right now virtually partaking into my murdering ideations. So, please, come on in. …


Of goats on cocaína!

Photo of Barbara Kruger’s Untitled (Questions). Art on theMART. Riverwalk, Chicago, Illinois.

[Trigger warning: if you are afraid of language, there is plenty of it here. So if it bothers you, maybe it’s time to move on to a listicle on the eleven and a half things you can do to become more like everybody else.]

Before I get called out by my editor friends at Counter Arts (Will Hull, Squeeze the Avocado, Christopher Robin, yesnodunno) I want to share something with you that they know.

I recently took on a personal challenge to not cuss for the rest of the year. Every time I swear, I place one dollar in a…


Finding my beat

Photo by Nathan Bingle on Unsplash

The tuba is the only instrument in the universe that can successfully disturb the space-time continuum.

Its bell is designed to swallow you and everything around you whole. Its sound is meant to support the bass of the entire melody, but in reality, it obliterates every single note, and only a strong voice would survive the musical nuclear war games coming out of its brass.

I mean, who the hell even uses a tuba to create music? Taj Mahal. That’s who.

Only a voice like Taj Mahal’s could survive through the melodic and satisfying obliteration of not one, not two…


Under the Big Top — Novel Draft Ch. 7b

Pitching to professional bullshitters

Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash

“When I was a kid, I didn’t know I’d be standing here in front of you, but I did know I was meant for great things. Everybody told me so. Especially, after I set up a lemonade stand.”

“Listen, Steve,” Benjamin interrupted. “Every kid in the U.S. has, at one point or another, set-up a lemonade stand. It’s not so much a sign of initiative but of what parents want their kids to be.” Benjamin looked around the table, “I still remember my brother-in-law’s stand and he grew up to munch off from my sister’s money.”

Benjamin’s comments were met…


James Patterson’s weird flex

Photo by Peter Burdon on Unsplash

I moved to Petaluma because my wife wanted us to. Which is 90% of the reason any married man does anything. We do as our wives see fit but only 90% of the time. The other 10% we do because we are horny.

If you don’t believe me look at our illustrious former President and current pig, Bill Clinton. Why was Clinton in Epstein’s airplane? This is a question we may never have a true answer for.

Maybe Hillary made him do it.

But more likely, he was horny.

We have come to know Billy Boy as a brilliant man…


Remember The Good Times

Photo by Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash

Ah, remember the good times?
Making a vaccine would take decades.
Then it would be released
and it would maim in spades.

Now, it takes less than a year
to create three vaccines.
Why does science like to interfere?
Ugh, this is the worst it has ever been!

Ah, remember the good times?
When politicians could say things but not mean it.
They could be sexual predators
and deny having sex with their interns.

Now, people can’t just say they are squeaky clean.
They have to be it, too.
Or we will see their trespasses on an influencer’s reel
and…


A love poem

But I can’t help myself

Photo by Jorge Salvador on Unsplash

Forgive me, my friend.
I’m still me.
But now she is a woman
and I’m a grown man.

She was always around when we were growing up.
And I remember her cute frown
when she begrudgingly
dropped us off at the mall.

I would make up excuses
to come by your house
and watch her sing and dance.
While I absentmindedly solved for x and y.

I don’t think your dad
would’ve approved of us.
But he is not around anymore
and we all need to move on.

Forgive me, my friend.
I can’t help myself. …


Arghhh!! Forget it!!!

Petaluma, CA. Photo by author.

Thank you
for being so thoughtful.
There is no way
you are just being awful.

I saw you use your ankle as a lever
to lift the cart into the curb.
You didn’t get it right
the first, the second, or the third time.
But you didn’t give up!

Of course, you didn’t do it out of convenience.
It would’ve been easier
to walk the cart back where it belongs
in the shopping cart return.


Trading roots for a truly inclusive future

Photo by Tegan Mierle on Unsplash

My childhood friend, Juan David, and I shared a love for old salsa and jazz.

When he was hired to work in the logistics of Barranquilla’s Jazz Festival Barranquijazz, I begged him to hook me up with a gig so I would get access to the different concerts.

And he did.

I became the official translator for all the American musicians coming to the show — even though my English wasn’t as conversational as I lied it was in the interview. …


Mural in Poipu, Kauai, HI. Photo by author.

Means to contribute in the Hawaiian language: Freestyle

Carlos Garbiras

Essayist sorting out the deeply ingrained neurosis of a topsy-turvy upbringing in Colombia. || garbiras@gmail.com

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